Dear Unknown Wife,
Happy VAL. What are you doing today? For me, I will be at work today and battle my colleagues who will be teasing me with the story of Isaac and Rebecca. By this time last year I said I will be celebrating this year’s VAL with you (although don’t really know why I should choose a day to celebrate love when love is a daily affair). I wanted to write a serious and creative letter to you today but I lost ideas on what to write and the kind of work I do doesn’t give me the required chance to be creative. My mind is occupied with giving an opinion on historical cost.
Somehow, this search for you is becoming difficult and uninteresting. Why would I be looking for you as if you don’t exist? Isaac didn’t wait this long for Rebecca to arrive. She just heard about Isaac and climbed her donkey. When she saw Isaac she ran to him. Abeg wetin you dey wait for? Have you not heard about me? You no dey see my swags?
You know what? When I was growing up and watching so many Indian movies, I used to dream of marrying an Indian girl. You know in Indian, it is the lady that proposes to the man. Maybe that’s why I have not proposed to you. Maybe you are an Indian girl and please if you are, kindly come and propose since I have refused to propose. I don’t know your age but whatever it is, time no dey again ooo! Grace and Israel would be wondering what is wrong with mummy and daddy. Before I forget, when did you write them last? I wrote them last on children’s day 2012 and I am kinda ashamed to write again. I promised to find you and I am waiting to write them with the good news. Please if you write them tell them that they should relax before I marry someone that is not their mother and maybe Grace will come to me and Israel will go to you. We need Grace and Israel together and that’s why we need to see ourselves soon. I mean very soon!
I don’t even know what you look like. Oh, maybe I know or have an idea. Before now, when people ask me why I am not married, I will tell them that I have not seen my wife. But I got a new revelation that when I say I have not seen my wife it means that none of the ladies around me qualifies to be my wife. Haba Uma!!! This is wrong. Na queen of the coast I wan marry? Abi na Angel Gold I wan marry? So when Barrister Umoh Udofia and his wife disturb me with why I am not married I will simply tell them that I have not known my wife. Something tells me that I already know you and you know me. Nothing tells me that you are still unknown to me. Maybe I should have written to MY SOON TO BE WIFE and not to MY UNKNOWN WIFE. But seriously, I don’t care about the height, complexion, size or figure. Just be a GOOD WOMAN. Abeg make you no too near ground, make you no too balloon, make you no too charcoal and make you no albino ooo! I no fit shout. I get boil for mouth!!!
See, if you are reading this letter, don’t laugh at me. Trust me with this truth. I will be patient with you in-case there are few things wey your mama no teach you or wey you refused to learn from your mama. E get plenty things wey my papa no teach me self. I will share the little I have with you and also share the much I have with you. Accept this letter as my proposal and just inbox me “YES” so that all these marriage drama go end. I don tire for this script. I want to act something else. Our honeymoon trip, Grace naming, or Israel’s dedication. Something else please and not “when will you marry”? It’s even more annoying when you ask me when I will marry or who the lady is as if you don’t know that you are the one.
Yesterday Frekky Andy challenged me that I should not come to IFUNANYA alone. For your information I will be going for our annual Valentine dinner by 6pm tonight at Jesus House. Jesus House is at Aba road opposite Shell gate (I don’t work with Shell ooo) near CIWA second artillery Port Harcourt, in-case you are in Port Harcourt then you can come there. I will be putting on a black suit and a white-ash strip shirt with a red tie. Please don’t wait until you see me with jeep before you come because I will be very confused by then.
I wish you get this message and reply me soon. In fact, you need to change your prayer points because I don’t know the type of prayers you are praying. Tell God to open my eyes, so that I will see you before the end of this month. We need to do this thing sharp sharp. You never tire for singlehood? I know the ball is in my court to find you but I don’t know what to do again. I will be praying but you need to pray more. I hope to write you again soon. But before then, stay focus and don’t be distracted. I no wan hear say you follow one Rusty-Dusty-Fellow ooo!
Yours in Love,
Ota Uma Uma Benjamin